Dear Leaders,

I just spent a half hour reviewing resumes for a simple analyst position. One candidate claimed to be “fluent in leveraging cross-platform ecosystems to drive holistic value creation.” Another boasted about “spearheading transformational initiatives that exceeded KPI benchmarks by 150%.”

Here’s what they actually did: The first person updated Excel spreadsheets. The second one increased email newsletter signups from 100 to 250.

We’ve created a monster, folks. A resume arms race where everyone speaks in corporate hieroglyphics, and nobody knows what anyone actually does anymore.

Companies demand “rockstar ninjas with growth hacking DNA,” and candidates respond by turning “I answered customer service emails” into “I orchestrated omnichannel customer experience optimization strategies.”

It’s like online dating, but with more buzzwords and less honesty.

Somewhere along the way, we decided that normal work wasn’t impressive enough.

So we invented an entire industry of resume consultants, LinkedIn gurus, and “personal brand strategists” whose job is to make filing papers sound like launching rockets.

“Administrative Assistant” became “Executive Support Specialist.”

“Janitor” became “Facilities Management Coordinator.”

“I made coffee” became “I managed beverage logistics for cross-functional teams in high-pressure environments.”

Meanwhile, companies got drunk on their own supply.

They started writing job descriptions that sound like they’re hiring for the Avengers. “Seeking a Marketing Wizard with Superhuman Analytics Powers to Join Our Mission-Critical Growth Squad.”

Translation: We need someone to post on Instagram.

Here’s where it goes off the rails: A friend of mine, let’s call him Dave because that’s his name, runs a small logistics company. He posted a job for a dispatcher: Answer phones, coordinate drivers, keep track of shipments.

Here are the “requirements” his HR consultant wrote:

Bachelor’s degree preferred, 3+ years experience in supply chain optimization, proficiency in advanced logistics software, excellent communication skills, ability to thrive in fast-paced environments, and, I kid you not, “passion for transforming the transportation industry.”

Might as well add, “Must want to make the world a better place.”

Dave got 500 applications. Half had master’s degrees. A quarter had supply chain certifications. Exactly zero had ever dispatched a truck.

Meanwhile, his best dispatcher, a guy who’s been doing the job for 15 years and could coordinate a military invasion using nothing but a phone and a whiteboard, doesn’t have a college degree and would never apply for a job with those requirements.

The real victims here: People who actually know how to do things.

The mechanic who can fix anything but can’t “articulate value propositions.” The accountant who catches every error but doesn’t “think outside the box.” The programmer who writes clean code but isn’t “passionate about disrupting legacy paradigms.”

These people get filtered out by ATS systems that screen for keywords like “synergy” and “stakeholder engagement.”

Meanwhile, the person who memorized a thesaurus of business jargon gets through to the interview where they’ll talk a good game about “ideating scalable solutions” while secretly googling basic job functions under the table.

I watched one startup hire a “Head of Strategic Initiatives” who spent six months creating PowerPoints about “maximizing synergistic opportunities for cross-platform integration.” His big accomplishment: An org chart showing how different departments could theoretically work together.

They finally fired him when they realized he’d never actually initiated anything strategic.

Here’s the best part:

Companies know the resumes are BS, and candidates know the job descriptions are fantasy, but we all pretend it’s real. It’s like professional wrestling; everyone’s in on the act, but we keep selling tickets.

Here’s my modest proposal: Let’s all agree to stop pretending.

Companies, write job descriptions that describe the actual job. “We need someone to answer phones and not be rude to customers.” Simplicity never went out of style.

Candidates, describe what you actually did. “I sold insurance by calling people during dinner and somehow didn’t get fired for three years.” At least it’s honest. And, kinda impressive if you think about it.

The companies brave enough to cut through the fluff first will find the real talent. The workers honest enough to dump the corporate speak will stand out like a lighthouse in a fog of buzzwords.

Most work isn’t that complicated. We’ve just convinced ourselves it needs to sound complicated to be valuable. The resume industrial complex is collapsing under the weight of its own absurdity. The question is:

Will you be ready when authentic competence becomes the new competitive advantage?

Onward,

Hamza